OMG...i'm sooooo busy!

I want to be clear, before I even begin, this blog post was inspired by something I saw on tumblr and something that has been on my mind for a while now. In no way is this post directed at anyone in particular... It is only a collection of thoughts laid out on the Internet around a subject and some generalizations. If it hits close to home I'm sorry and I get it-it hit me once too!

We cool?

Moving on...

I saw this on tumblr last night and it sparked a lot of thinking around an issue that has been on my brain for ages. I think it started in the summer when I forgot how to sleep and got mad at a boy...

...and it continues when I'm a fly on the wall at a Calgary improv show where everyone is complaining about how they don't have another day off for 45 days.

But it isn't really complaining is it? It's an odd kind of bragging, a way of showing a room some assumed importance created in your own mind and glorified by a culture that has changed the meaning of busy to important.

But you aren't  any more important than anyone else in the room are you? You're just regular important. You are deeply important to your friends, family, coworkers, lovers, pets, and the rest of your orbit. but only YOUR orbit. my life isn't improved by hearing you speak deliberately loudly about all the things you have to do and how cool you think they all are. but here you are at an improv show, seems pretty recreational and social...

I know some exceptionally busy people (a doctor here, a writer there, an actor here, a mom there (and the list goes on)...) and the coolest ones? the ones who i admire and feel lucky for a but their time; the ones who never complain about how busy they are. they are the ones who are so fucking thrilled with their lives that everything is gratitude and rainbows and the bags under their eyes only acknowledged between the closest of friends and/or after a few drinks. then, "holy fuck. i am so fucking exhausted" feels like a secret rather than a brag poorly disguised as a complaint.

so the next time someone asks you how you are remember that busy isn't an answer. busy is WHAT you are (and what we all are) but HOW is something else. ​"how are you?" is not a list of your social activities; "how are you?" is not your 72 deadlines; "how are you?" is not the million things your kids have to do. "how are you?" is: tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, scared, ferocious, wonderful, inspired, etc... and that will lead to a conversation and i will know that you're busy, because i get it. and if we don't know each other and i ask how you are and you don't have time for a conversation just wink and smile a dog-tired smile. and if we both know neither one of cares what the other is doing just say, "fine." and i'll say the same and we'll smile and move on with our lives.

​cool?

oh, and if you ever catch me doing this thing i just spent a bunch of time i didn't have* complaining about, tell me! i don't mind being an asshole sometimes but i'd hate to be a hypocritical asshole. ​

*see what i did there... ​

​xo

valentime's!: a personal ad

i bet ya said it like that when you were a kid too...

valentine's day (yesterday) is suppose to be a lamentable day for us single folk. apparently we are suppose to lie around in our grubbiest clothes, stuff our faces full of chocolate and bemoan our loneliness. while 2/3 of those things sound like a pretty rad way to spend a quiet thursday evening, i gotta say to "they" or whomever invented "super sad singles day" needs to go eat a bag of dicks. seriously. the whole bag. and in a really nasty, rather than sexy, way.

because here's the thing i've decided about valentine's day, or maybe what i hope we can all agree to about valentine's day-it should be a day to celebrate LOVE in general. to acknowledge love in all its beautiful multiplicities rather than stick people who aren't "in love" in some dire corner where we are just to suppose to stand, mascara running, and hope that next year we can join the love club.

bullshit!

i am single, 31, and have more love in my life than any one person deserves. my dear valentines' are abundant and fuck, i choo-choo-choose all of them!

View fullsize

so this gets me thinking: "bitch, if your life is so full of love why the fuck are you all over the internet looking for a boyfriend?"

and this is a real question i have to ask myself. because i love so many people. so many. deeply and intimately and in the way that would smash my heart into a zillion little pieces if they were gone. honestly.

i think this total love-fest in my heart, or at least the acknowledgement of it, began when i finished reading "the ethical slut". while i found it interesting i also found it dull and trite and incredibly bossy. too bossy for my liking actually... but the chapter that stuck with was the chapter on "single sluts" because it was about loving with an open heart and never being afraid of loving people-all kinds of people, not only the ones you have sex with (but them too, if you want!). period. and i agree! i think love begets love and loving, actually loving, heaps of people only makes you more open and receptive to even more love. and love, guys, is wicked. the rest of the book-well, we can chat about it later if you want. if you want to know what i think is a cool and more insightful book on poly-relationships i suggest you click RIGHT HERE!  (it's a sexier read too...)

so, back to the question at hand, "love slut, if you're so full of love why the fuck are you all over the internet looking for a boyfriend?"

valid question!

and here is the answer: companionship. i want to love a lot of people, and one person who i might love most (most of the time) and that i get to spend amount of time with. and hold hands with and cook dinner with and watch clean up after dinner and share my cat's affection with and do all that boring companion-y shit. that stuff. i'm not looking for love, i have that in spades, i am looking for my someone who i sleep beside and who i want to sleep beside. (c'mon, you know what i mean-we don't always fall asleep with people we really want to sleep beside). and maybe someone who loves me most in their world full of love too! love begets love and who ever i decide should be my companion better get this. not getting that is a pretty huge deal breaker.

so while i am looking for a nice solid companion to spend quiet times and loud times and in between times, i want us surrounded by love and not just clinging to each other desperately because we are each other's only chance. that makes me too sad.

so valentine's day-let's celebrate love in all it's beautiful craziness and leave the celebration of companionship to anniversaries and marriages and internet dating nightmare stories-er, success stories! because fuck...

I FUCKING LOVE LOVE!

on being bored...

one afternoon my smart friend charles and i went to see a movie. i think django unchained, but the actual title of the movie doesn't matter. well, it could sure, but not in the context of this conversation it doesn't. ANYWHO...

as we were waiting for the movie to begin we talked about boredom. both of us are the kind of people who don't really believe in boredom. with all there is to see, hear and read in this world neither of us can much fathom how anyone is bored. nothing to do? there are MILLIONS of books to read, itunes has the following ridiculous catalogue: 

• 28,000,000+ songs worldwide
• 1,000,000+podcasts (USA)
• 40,000+ music videos (USA)
• 3,000+ TV shows (USA)
• 20,000+ audiobooks (USA)
• 45,000+ movies (USA)
• 700,000+ App Store apps
  

and that's only just what wikipedia says about itunes! think of all the free shit there is to steal on the internet, all the movies playing in theatres, all the books at your local library and book store, all the people to watch at your local coffee shop, all the fat to sweat off at the gym or by going for a walk... heck, go masturbate! boredom is your fault, not the fault of there being nothing to do. enjoy the time to yourself, dummies! and i suspect that you will feel rewarded and relaxed when you learn to spend time alone and  entertain yourself. 

/rant.

yes, sure, there are things in life that are genuinely boring. of course there are. and lot of them are people! sure, sometimes those books, movies, etc you pick up or attend are boring. it happens, the thing you chose to do is not entertaining. sometimes you can move on right away and sometimes you have to wait until the boring thing is over... a bad play for example. but what if you can't? what if you are fucking trapped in a steel can on the open prairie and everything you want to do makes you feel like puking. 

here is a list of things that give me motion sickness on the bus:

• reading (immediately)
• writing (within 3 sentences) 
• playing games on my phone (immediately)
• watching movies if it's too bumpy (within 25 min-and it's always too bumpy)
• scrolling through my ipod (immediately-so i better find something i like and listen to it over and over again) 

so today, i was bored. allow me to swallow my snarky words whole. they taste like shit. for about 1.5 hours i had literally nothing to do because everything i either needed or wanted to do made the bile rise in my throat and sweat through the leather seat of the bus. 

but there is a silver lining... i slept. i did get to do that. sleeping is never boring.

canada vs. the fighter jets

sometimes when i can't sleep-and sometimes when i am just sitting places with a moment to think and worry-i wonder if our concept of democracy is in fact, a myth. our elected "leader" appears to have no care or concern for the citizens of this huge country and is content to let people starve, freeze and die in favour of... what? fighter jets? environmental devastation?

i don't know what the answer and i don't know if i know anything at all about politics. i just know that so often i feel totally baffled by our government and i can't help but wonder who is at fault? is it ours for electing them or theirs for lying before we elected them? what about all of us who didn't vote for those who are now in a position of making decisions for us? is the system broken or are we responsible for allowing it to function when it is so clearly broken? 

i don't know. i don't know if i want to know.

all i do know is that last night i was awake most of the night worrying about a lot of things (love, money, friendship, the future...) and in the wake of "idle no more" these questions of democracy and the safety of our country's people remain chief among all the worries. i feel guilty for being here instead of outside but the reality is that i need to be at work to earn the money i make to pay the bills that far surpass my income. appearances can be deceiving...

anyway, i don't know what to think or feel today save for overwhelmed and a little bit sad. i hope that the future is bright for us but i don't know... today, i just don't know.