they say that breaking up is hard to do...

it isn't. especially when it's right. and it's often right.

i mean, you don't choose to break up with someone if the break up feels wrong. right? this isn't to say that it doesn't usually suck and it often involves hurting someone who might not have even seen it coming. i'm not saying that, i'm just saying that it can be of great relief to end something with a person if it is a unpleasant struggle. love takes work but the work should be pleasant and pleasurable. at least for me... i don't mind working, but i don't want to work on anything that makes my tummy hurt or makes me anxious and cruel.

so anyway, i ended something recently. i felt bad for a couple reasons: a) i know he was developing feelings for me and had been very open about liking me and b) i sent him a facebook message.

i know!

he said some stuff i didn't like and i wasn't sure about him anyway... we didn't have a lot in common and that's all i'll say. he was never mean to me and i'm totally sure he's the right guy for the right girl or boy; i am not the right girl.

and here is another thing i am absolutely sure of: i suspect that i am not easy to date. i am selfish with my spare time, i wanna see pals and meet up with lovers late at night to stay up all night talking and fucking, i want to take the emotional parts insanely slow, i am demanding and challenging and for all my faults i rarely let people off the hook for theirs. i am not a grudge holder but i do not keep things to myself. i suppose i could learn to be more flexible... but self-awareness is the first step and i am obviously working on ME too!

but ok, NONE of this is the what i wanted to talk about. i wanted to talk about dating and facebook!

whatever. fuck...

anyway, some irony struck me as i sent this dude a "thanks but no..." message last week. i sent a message ending our relationship, it was curtly accepted and then he deleted me as a "friend". severed totally!

so that's a weird thing.

because of the nature of my (our?) relationship with social media i feel like i'm the one that got dumped. that little act of "button" pressing has left me feeling stung, even though i am the one who initiated our severance. is there a normal waiting process before you delete someone? don't you wanna keep them around? isn't lurking part of the normal grieving process?

it's an odd feeling to be aware of that kind of "social" rejection. we always knew it was there: a relationship ends and you hope you never see that person at your local a few weeks/months later... but to know and participate in not seeing someone online either is a very alienating feeling. i had a momentary existential crisis about human connection and how it has evolved (or not) in the internet era. we all know internet dating is fucked up but who knew internet breaking up would equally disarming.

there's more thinking to do on this issue but i'm still feeling a bit perplexed by my reaction. i suppose it's another on the pile in the perplexities of my brain but it's there. it makes me chuckle a knowing chuckle, a chortle of sorts; but i am also curious to think more on where that little moment of hurt originated.

i guess we all just want people to like us!

or maybe i am just a giant self-entitled narcissistic baby who hopes someone is staring longingly at my profile wishing i loved them endlessly...

that sure as fuck ain't happening.